Oppositional Defiant Disorder: 19 Things Your Angry Child Wants You To Know (But Doesn’t Know How to Say)

Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) is a widely misunderstood behavioral health challenge. Many parents have questions like: what is Oppositional Defiant Disorder, what does ODD turn into, and how is ODD treated? The folks at Child Mind have done a great job answering those questions.

The aim of this article is different. I aim to help you understand what angry and defiant kids think and feel. Communication is one of the biggest challenges angry kids and their families face.

While angry and defiant kids readily express their anger and demands, they struggle to communicate other thoughts, feelings, wants, and needs—especially in ways others will understand them. Consequently, their needs go unmet and the anger cycle continues.

As a psychologist for kids, teens, and young adults in Georgetown, Round Rock, Leander, and other north Austin areas, I’ve worked with many angry and defiant youth. I hear their thoughts and feelings that they share with no one else. I’d like to share 19 things angry, defiant, and ODD kids want you to know but can’t or won’t express.

1. I think I’m a bad kid, and everyone is out to get me.

I feel like I have to be tough and defend myself all the time, or else I'll get hurt. I don't trust people because I believe they're harmful and will exploit me if I don't get them first. So, I end up being mean, arguing, and fighting to stay on top.

2. I’m always in trouble at school.

I argue with the teachers and get into fights with other kids. I can't sit still because of my ADHD, and I don't do my work because I'm always on edge, watching out for others. I'm often sent to the principal's office or given detention, which makes me feel even more like a bad kid.

3. Home is a war zone.

I fight with my parents and siblings because I think they're trying to control me or hurt me. I don't listen to what they say and talk back a lot. We yell at each other, and I sometimes break stuff when I'm really mad. I feel like they don't want me around, which makes me feel worse about myself.

4. I don't have many friends.

Other kids think I'm trouble and stay away from me. When I do make a friend, I often mess it up by being too aggressive or bossy because I'm trying to protect myself. I end up feeling lonely a lot, but I don't know how to fix it.

5. I don't have fun like other kids.

I'm either too worked up from fighting with everyone or I'm grounded because of something I did. I like some things, like video games or sports, but even then, I can get too competitive and ruin it for myself and others.

6. Anger protects me.

Sometimes, my anger feels like a shield. It keeps me safe because people don't mess with me when I'm mad.

7. Anger helps me feel in control when I feel weak and insecure.

When I'm angry, I feel like I have some control. People must listen to me and can't just ignore me.

8. Anger is my strength.

Being angry makes me feel strong, like I can handle whatever comes at me. I don't feel so vulnerable. It's a way for me to let out all the stuff that's building up inside me. I don't know how else to show when I'm upset or frustrated.

9. Anger helps me to connect with others.

It's a way for me to let out all the stuff that's building up inside me. I don't know how else to show when I'm upset or frustrated.

10. I don’t want to go to therapy.

If I'm honest, the idea of going to therapy makes me feel kind of mixed up. Part of me thinks it's just another way for people to tell me I'm bad and need to be fixed, which makes me mad and defensive. I might even think it's a waste of time because I don't trust adults that much, and I don't believe they can help me.

11. I can’t stand feeling weak.

Talking about my feelings and stuff that's happened to me is really scary. I don't like showing weakness, and I'm afraid the therapist might judge me.

12. Counseling is too hard.

Therapy sounds like a lot of work. I have to go regularly, talk about stuff I don't want to talk about, and practice whatever they tell me to do.

13. But a small part of me is tired of always being angry and in trouble.

But there's another part, maybe a small part, that's tired of always being angry and in trouble. That part might feel a little bit of hope, like maybe therapy could help me not feel so bad about myself all the time. It's scary, though, because it means I'd have to talk about stuff and feel weak, and that's really hard when you've been trying to protect yourself for so long.

14. I wish doing well in school was easier.

I want to go to school and feel like I can actually do the work without getting distracted or getting up all the time. I'd like teachers to say good things about me, not just that I'm trouble. I dream about turning in all my homework and getting good grades, and maybe even liking some of the stuff we learn. I want to be able to sit with other kids at lunch and not worry about fights or being laughed at.

15. I want to be liked.

I want to have real friends, not just kids who hang out with me because they're scared or because they think I'm tough. I dream about going over to a friend's house after school, playing video games, or having a sleepover without any drama. I want to be able to trust my friends and for them to trust me back, to have each other's backs for real.

16. I want peace at home.

I want to feel safe and not always on edge like I have to defend myself. I dream about my parents smiling at me and being proud of what I do, not just telling me off. I want to have fun with my siblings, play games, and help each other with homework instead of fighting all the time. I'd like to sit down for dinner with my family and talk about normal stuff – like how our day was – without any yelling or arguments.

17. I want to be normal.

I guess my dream is just to feel normal, not like a "bad kid" or like everyone's enemy. I want to be happy and have people be happy with me. It feels like a lot to ask for, but that's what I wish for.

18. Stop treating me like a problem.

They should get what it's like to be really mad and not just tell me to "calm down" like it's easy. They need to be okay with me not getting everything right away. I might mess up a lot before I start getting better.

19. Don’t give up on me.

They should be nice to me, even when I'm not being very nice back. I don't want them to give up on me.

Do you want to calm your angry child?

You’re not alone and your child doesn’t have to feel this way. Over 2 million children in America struggle with Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD). Fortunately, Parent Management Training (PMT) is one of the most effective interventions for disruptive behaviors due to ODD, ADHD, and other behavioral health conditions. If you’re interested in learning more, reach out to me today for a free 15-minute conversation about the change you and your child deserve.